Title:  "Buffy's Valentine Present" or "Angelus Has Fun with Xander"  (Part
Author: Oh come on!  Who else could be insane enough to write this?!
E-Mail:  You guys already know this, so why did I even put that there?!
Rating: R as in Really Really Sick!!!  This is not for anyone with a weak
stomach.  You have been warned...hehehe....
Disclaimer: I don't own Angelus, Xander, Buffy, Spike, Dru or anyone else
who's mentioned in this twisted story.  They all belong to that Monkey Crack
Over-Abusing acid-tripping executive producer we all know as Joss.  And they
also belong to Err Argh! Productions.  I have no money so please don't sue!!!
Oh!  And Vinny is my character.  He's just a poor little vampire minion caught
in the middle of everything...hehehe
Spoilers: None, unless you count BB&B (Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered) but
even that doesn't really have anything to do with this, so I guess...Nope!  No
spoilers here!  Hehehe....
Feedback:  Yes!  Yes!  Come on!  You know you love me!
Content:  Torture, blood, death...the usual...hehehe
Summary: I'm not telling.  Just read it.  But if you're someone who really
likes Xander, then I would suggest that you DON'T read it!  You'll find out
later.  And that's all I'm gonna say about that.  And I kill my own character
in this story so go figure...hehehe
Note: I posted part of this a while ago, but then I stopped in the middle of
the story.  Well now it's finished, except that I've changed some things
around.  Namely, I took Pam and Mel out of this story.  They were already in
two stories and I think that's enough for now.  Plus it would have made the
story way too long, and I'm getting sick and tired of typing really long
stories!  Argh!
Another Note:  I could make a sequel out of this, but I don't actually hate
most of the characters enough to kill any of them.  Well, except for The
Mayor, Principal Snyder and Scott...But I digress.  I even kinda like Faith
and Cordy.  Plus I'm running out of torture ideas.  Anyone have any
suggestions??  I don't even really hate Xander enough to kill him.  Blame
Angelus for this story.  It's all his fault!  He made me do it!  Angelus told
me if I didn't write this story, he would kill me!  What would you guys do?!
Right!  Write the damn story!
And now on with the story!

Angelus paced back and forth in the mansion, with his arms crossed over his
bare chest, deep in thought.  <Well.  Here it is Valentine's Day, and I still
don't know what to give Buffy as a present.  Hmmm....What should I give to
show my undying love for her?  I was going to kill her, but I'll save that for
later.  First I wanna give her something that will make her suffer, along with
those pathetic little friends of hers.  But what?  It's a shame that Buffy
doesn't have a puppy.  I used to love nailing puppies to the sides of people's
houses.  Now that was fun!  But what should I do for Buffy?>  Then an evil
grin spread over Angelus' face as he suddenly got an idea.  He grabbed his
black silk shirt, threw it on, and raced out into the night.

Xander walked quietly through the cemetery (one of the 12) tightly gripping a
stake in his hand.  <Gee.  This is fun.  Here I am, walking all alone in a
cemetery in Sunnydale at 11:00 at night, and obviously trying to get myself
killed.  Why didn't I just staple a sign to my head that says, "Here I am
vampires!  Come and get me!">

Xander sat on the edge of the cemetery wall, lazily swinging his legs back and
forth.  <Why?  Why of all nights did Cordy have to dump me tonight?  I like
her.  A lot.  Okay, I might not like her as much as I like Willow, but Cordy
is probably the best that I'm ever gonna get.  I go to the trouble of buying
Cordy that nice necklace, and then she throws it right back in my face by
saying that she wants to break up?!  What is wrong with me?  I mean really
wrong?!  I mean, most girls see me and run the other way!>

<And to make my life even worse, I like Buffy, okay more than like, I love
Buffy, but the only one Buffy ever sees is Dead Boy!  I mean, she likes me as
a friend and everything, but I want more!  And what did Buffy ever find
attractive in him anyway?  I mean sure he's buff and all that, but
he's...he's...dead!  I mean undead!  Well whatever he is, it's all the same to
me.  And even now that he's lost his soul and is an evil bastard again, Buffy
still can't kill him!  Could it be possible that she still has feelings for
him, even now that he's evil?>

"Angel Angel Angel!!!  Everything is always Angel!  Willow has Oz the werewolf
and I'm stuck with Cordelia!  I am a total jerk and I don't deserve to live!"

"Well now.  I couldn't have said it better myself, Xander."  Angelus sneered,
stepping out of the shadows.  Angelus stood just a few feet in front of
Xander, the bright moonlight reflecting off of his skin, giving it a strange
luminescent quality.  Angelus stood there glaring menacingly at Xander with
his arms crossed over his chest, dressed in his black silk shirt, leather
pants and black boots.  "You are a total jerk, I'll agree with you on that,
and you don't deserve to live, I'll agree with you on that too."

Angelus stepped closer to Xander, causing the frightened teenager to jump down
from the cemetery wall and back away in the opposite direction.  "Now now,
Xander."  Angelus said.  "Don't leave.  I haven't had a chance to have my fun
with you yet!"

"Wha....What...What are you going to do to me?"  Xander asked, somehow
managing to hold onto the stake.

"Well, you see, it's like this.  It's still Valentine's Day, and I racked my
brain for hours trying to come up with the perfect present for Buffy.  And
then, it finally hit me.  You will be my Valentine's Day present to her!  I
will give you to pieces!  Now what were you saying about me
before?  I didn't quite catch it."

Xander just stood there, trying to think of something intelligent to say.  Of
course, Angel always knew that Xander didn't exactly like him, so why hide the
truth?  "I said you're an evil bastard and I'm going to kick your ass!"  The
words slipped out before Xander even realized he had said them.

"Oooohhhhh!  Now I'm scared!  Come on then!  Kick my ass!"  Angelus growled,
slipping into his 'game face'.  Xander ran at Angelus with the stake held high
yelling, "Die, Dead Boy!  Die, you evil bastard!  Die!"  Just as Xander got
within staking distance, Angelus kicked him as hard as he could right between
the legs.  Xander dropped the stake to the ground and fell to his knees,
screaming in agony.
"You....evil....bastard....I'"  Xander
managed to get out in between gasps and sobs of pain.

"You can thank Buffy for that move.  She did the same thing to me not so long
ago.  It hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?  But I haven't even started yet!
Before you die, you will know what real pain is!  And keep dreaming, Xander!
The day you kick my ass, as if that will ever happen, is the day that Hell
freezes over!  And believe me, that day will never come!"

Xander got to his feet shakily, picked up the stake, and stood staring back at
Angelus with a mixture of terror and malice in his eyes.  "When Buff finds out
about this, she will kick your evil soulless ass!"

"Oh I'm counting on it!  I'm looking forward to a little one-on-one...after I
kill all of her friends first, starting with you!"  Angelus growled, walking
toward Xander again.  "I'll kill you first!  Even if I die trying!  I'll still
make sure that I take you down with me!"  Xander shouted, running at Angelus
again.  But Angelus side-stepped Xander easily, bringing his foot up hard and
fast to connect with the back of Xander's head.

Xander tumbled to the ground face first, as the stake went flying out of his
hand and landed at Angelus' feet.  "Bad Xander.  Very bad.  Who taught you how
to hunt vampires?  You really ought to quit while you're not ahead, and leave
the slaying up to someone who knows how to get it done.  Not that it's any of
your problem."  Xander crawled forward on his hands and knees, trying
desperately to reach the stake, but Angelus picked it up and snapped it in
half.  "Well well, Xander!  No more weapons!  Now what are you gonna do?!"

In a rush of pure adrenaline, Xander got back up, rushed at Angelus and
punched him as hard as he could in his face.  Howling, Angelus shoved Xander
to the ground, tasting his own blood flowing into his mouth.  Angelus felt his
nose and came away with blood on his fingers.  "Well, Xander!  That was a good
punch!  I must say that I'm impressed!  But now it's my turn!"  Angelus
growled, standing over Xander who was lying on his stomach with his arms at
his sides.  Angelus wrapped his hand around one of Xander's wrists, pinning
his arm behind his back.  Then he wrapped his other hand around Xander's neck,
lifting him up and slamming him face first into a nearby tree trunk.  Xander
screamed in pain as he felt all of the bones in his nose crack and warm blood
run down his face.  "How does it feel, Xander?!  Hmmm?!  How does it feel?!
You did the same to me!  I'm only returning the favor!  So!  Tell me how it
feels!"  Angelus growled, pressing Xander even harder into the bark of the

" Boy!"  Using the last
bit of strength Xander had, he snapped his head back as hard as he could into
Angelus' face.  Angelus lost his grip on Xander and stumbled backward, as more
blood poured from his nose.  "Okay.  That hurt."  Before Angelus had time to
react, he saw a fist flying toward his face, but he grabbed it and squeezed
hard, breaking every bone in Xander's hand.  Angelus let go of Xander's hand
and he backed away a few inches, screaming in pain, cradling his limp hand in
his good hand.

"!"  Xander yelled in between the
throbbing pain in his crushed hand.  "You really don't get it, do you
Xander?!"  Angelus snarled.  "When will you get it through that thick,
brainless skull of yours that you can't kill me?!  You already tried to stake
me once tonight, and where did it get you?!  You're not man enough to kill
me!"  Angelus walked toward Xander, backing him up into the cemetery wall.
Angelus then wrapped his hand around Xander's neck, staring evilly into his
eyes.  Xander desperately tried to escape Angelus' death grip around his
throat, trying to avoid the demon's yellow-eyed stare.

Then Angelus let go of Xander's neck, put both hands on his shoulders, and
spun him around so that he was facing the cemetery wall.  "Well, as much as I
have enjoyed this little game of cat and mouse, now it really is starting to
get annoying."  Angelus said, once again wrapping his hand around Xander's
neck.  "Besides, it's probably getting late, and I want to get Buffy's present
to her before Valentine's Day is over.  And I have a lot to do before I
finally deliver her to you.  Now, let's see, how many pieces should I cut you
up into?"

"Screw...You...Dead Boy!"  Xander managed to scream.

"No thank you, Xander.  You're really not my type.  I'd much rather screw a
dog than screw you!"  Angelus leaned forward so that his lips were touching
the side of Xander's neck.  "You don't mind if I have a quick meal before I
kill you, do you?"  That said, Angelus sank his fangs deep into Xander's neck,
feeling thick warm blood flow into his mouth and down his throat.

Angelus stopped drinking when he heard and felt Xander's heartbeat growing
weaker.  "Wait.  This is wrong.  I won't let you die this way.  I want your
death to be slow and painful.  Very painful!"  "Ummmpppphhhh...."  Xander
mumbled, eyes half closed and weak from loss of blood.  Xander slid down the
wall and lay on the ground when Angelus let go of his neck.  Then Angelus bent
down, grabbed the back of Xander's head, lifted him up by his hair, then
slammed his face repeatedly into the wall until he was knocked unconscious.
"But I didn't say I wouldn't do that."  Angelus snarled and smiled wickedly,
as Xander lay on the ground, blood flowing from a gash on his head.  "Well, we
really should be going now."  Angelus said, slipping back into his human face.
"There's so much to do, and so little time to do it in."  Then Angelus picked
Xander up, flung him over his shoulder, and started to walk in the direction
of the mansion.  <Don't worry, Lover.  This will be a gift I'm sure you'll
treasure for all time.  Dear Buffy, how do I love thee?  Let me count the body
parts of your little annoying friend.>

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