NOTE: DEDICATED TO SANDY(email@example.com ). IF YOU WANT IT ASK HER!
Author: Ahn aka Mary M.
Content: PG. Humor
Author's Note: Feedback Please!
DEDICATED TO: Sandy. She wanted a chocolate...well, you'll see. And I added
a...well, you'll see. AND I m giving Sandy full rights to whom she wants to
give this story, so if you want it, ask her.
Disclaimer: Joss and the WB own all that you know and love, I merely own the
situations that they find themselves in. (And the others that they associate
with from my imagination.)
Summary: Involves the oldest members of the Scooby gang and candy and stuff.
Joyce sat at the counter as she slowly sipped her coffee. It
was a strange
night. And it was going to be one of, if not the most, embarrassing night of
her life. To say the very least.
"Hey, Mom. Everything all right?"Buffy asked as she
sat next to her.Is
there any more coffee?
Joyce looked at her daughter and gave her a slight smile."I'm
not so sure
that everything will be all right ever again. And no, no more coffee for
you. You won't get any sleep tonight if you have anymore."
Like I'm really gonna bail out on you right now, Buffy
delicately. And leave you alone with the two of them!
Joyce sighed as she sipped her coffee. You might as well. I
don't see how
they'll take it if you're here as well. And I still can't believe that this
actually happened. And I was there!
Buffy smiled weakly at her mother."It's not that bad,
considering. We got
off kinda easy. Relatively speaking. Oh, I hear the doorbell. Hope that it's
Joyce shook her head as she sipped her coffee again. It was
strange night, she decided as her daughter greeted Willow.
Whew! Willow said breathlessly as she plopped the bag on the
counter. I got
a scrubber-thing, couple of loofah and some of that body shampoo at the all
night market. And I got the tee shirts, cotton skirts and jeans your Mom
wanted. Now do you want to tell what you need this for?
Joyce grabbed the bag and headed upstairs. Buffy will fill you
in. I'm going
off to soap the sleeping lions. Honey, remind me the next time we decide to
give in to the cavity urge, we don't.
Again, Buffy smiled weakly at her mothers disappearing back.
Got it, Mom.
And thanks, Mom.
Well? What happened? Willow demanded as she sat at the counter.Why
in Giles's apartment? And what happened to make your mom so rattled? Where's
Giles? What's going on?
Buffy winced. Well, Giles is sort of, upstairs. Kind of. As to
What do you mean that Giles is \lquote kinda upstairs ? Willow
demanded of her
best friend. He is or he isn't. And what's your mom doing upstairs? Why did
you need the stuff?
Well, we kinda ran out of the stuff after Wesley. Giles didn't
stuff we needed, Buffy admitted, red-faced. And she need way more for
More for Giles for what, Willow asked, her face blank. What do
you need a
scrubber, loofah, body shampoo, tee shirts, cotton skirts and jeans for?
Buffy winced again. Mom's kinda giving Giles and Wes a scrubbing bath.
WHAT?!?!Willow yelped. Your MOM'S WHAT?
Red-faced, Buffy made frantic quiet motions.Willow! They're
sort of knocked
out! We DON'T want them to fully wake up until AFTER Mom is done!
WHAT?!?Willow yelped again. At Buffy's scowled, she
her voice.Buffy, what happened?
Buffy looked at the stairs, then looked at her friend.Well, it
when Mom and I had an urge to go get some candy...
\ldblquote I really don't think that they're still open,
honey, said Joyce stopped the
car in front of Sunnydale's newest store, Sweet Haven.
Buffy rolled her eyes as they got out of the car.Mom, they
have to be still
open. It's only seven o clock. And the ad says that they close at eight.
Think chocolate covered strawberries, pineapples. Pretzels. Marzipan.
Cavities. Trip to the dentist, root canal, Joyce finished as
she came to
meet Buffy on the curb. Buffy gave her mother an exasperated loook.What? I
can't be a mom and let you do this deed without me saying something. Might
revoke my Mom Club card. Never leave home without it.
Whatever,Buffy said as she pointed to the store. Looks
like that they're
still open. Damn, there goes the phone.
Eyeing the cell phone with a nasty eye, Joyce sighed as she
waited for her
daughter to finish talking to, according to her daughter, Wesley the Wonder
Buffy scowled at the phone. Yeah, Wes. I know that I have to
tonight. I know that I have to train afterwards, but didn't Giles tell you-
Buffy sighed as she heard Wes go into his low-pitched sniff of
know who my *official* Watcher is, Wes. And personally? I don't care what he
says. I am going to Sweet Haven with my mother and I am going to ENJOY
myself before I go patrolling, so there!
Amused by her daughters actions and knowing that she should
child for speaking like that to Mr. Wyndham-Pryce, Joyce clucked her
I know. I know. But it's hard to be nice to somebody that
demands that you
jump through every loop just because he says so,Buffy grumbled. Can you put
this in your pockets? It's heavy.
Joyce took the phone and put it inside her jacket pocket. It
Now, Buffy I know it's hard to be nice to Mr.Wyndham-Pryce, but-
Why are you on his side of the argument? I thought you didn't
wimp. Especially after you decked him,Buffy interrupted.
That has nothing to do with your being disrespectful to the
sighed. And I did apologize to him.
Buffy slid her mother an amused glance. Only *after* you
cooled down. Three
weeks later. Then decked him again.
As they entered the store, Joyce winced. I have no idea what
came over me
that second time.
I do. It was his annoying attitude,Buffy quipped as she took a
in the store. Ohh, smells great in here. Chocolate-like.
That it does,Joyce said as she took in a deep breath also. It
of the factory that made...or not.
Buffy turned to look at her mother, puzzled. The factory? What factory?
The Willie-Wonka Chocolate factory. What factory did you think
talking about? Joyce coughed, her face turning slightly red. Look at these
cakes and cookies here!
As Buffy turned to look at them, Joyce let out a small sigh of
was NOT about to remember what happened the night she became a teenager
because of some magically tainted chocolate. I wonder where the sales
Buffy shrugged as she all but drooled over the chocolate
strawberries, pretzels, pineapples, apricots and almonds.I dunno. Mom? Can
we get some of these? And those? And that? And-
We'll get a little of each, Joyce promised as she scanned the
Is there anyone here?
Buffy turned when she heard a small crash in the back room.
She rushed over
to the back, and then saw stars.
Wide-eyed, Willow stared at her friend. Someone actually *attacked*
Sweet Haven? Why?
Buffy took a sip of her mothers coffee. Well...
Joyce popped her head down from the second floor and threw a
assorted clothes down.Buffy, these are washables. Go wash them, please.
Willow followed as Buffy hurried over to pick up the clothes.So
happened? Is that Giles's underwear?
Buffy grimaced as she held the pile of clothing away from her.
God, I hope
not. I can't imagine him wearing black-and-pink-striped Marty the Martian
silk boxers. But funny how I can see Wesley in them.
Going into badness, Buffy,Willow said with a grimace.Now what
after you were knocked out?
Buffy made another face. Well, Mom said...
Joyce stared at a small-grey bearded man and the vampires that
captive and her daughter tied up in a chair. What are you doing here? What's
going on? Who are you? What do you want with us?
The small-grey-bearded man grinned at her. Hello! I'm George.
I own this
joint. And you're my guinea pigs.
Joyce stared at George who was grinning at her madly. What?
I'm George. I own this place. You're my guinea pigs,George
slowly. What part of that don't you understand?
The part about being your guinea pigs,Joyce said flatly as she
hands into her pockets, and felt for the cell phone that Buffy gave her
earlier. Praying that she was hitting the correct buttons and that she was
reaching Giles and not Wesley, Joyce glared at George as she stepped closer
to him. What do you and *your vampire friends* want with *Buffy* and me? Why
are *we guinea pigs*?
George looked at her thoughtfully.Because every great chef
pigs. Even a candy chef like me. And besides, vampires have lousy taste buds
when it comes to candy. But they do like chocolate.
You need me and my daughter to taste your candy for you? Joyce
A blonde vampire behind her snorted at her.Not taste the
candy, taste the
potions *for* the candy, lady.
Potions? What potions? Joyce demanded angrily. You're planning
Sunnydale with your candy?
As he lead the way to the kitchen in the back, George shook
no, no. I plan to make money for me and Trick in Sunnydale. AND if we sell
enough, we're gonna go national!
Joyce stared as George showed her his kitchen filled with
and other things she couldn't recognize, but thought they belonged into a
demented version of Frankenstein's labratory. Trick got the idea and I have
to admit, I was intrigued by the idea. Candy that would sell because of
magical potions! And I have potions galore! And now I have you to test my
Potions for what? Joyce demanded as she stared George.
George grinned at her as he pointed to several rows of colored
liquids.Well, those potions are to make children buy more candy while the
ones there become more obedient. Those there are to make adults feel, you
know, like aphrodisiacs. The others there induce sleep. Some make you feel
more awake. Others are supposed to make you spend more money. And the best
ones, my pride and joy, are supposed to make people drop and go at it like
bunnies, if you know what I mean. Oh, my caramel and chocolates are almost
If you know what the potions do, *why* do you need guinea
demanded as George ran over to stir at his large double burner pots. He
added a healthy dose of red liquid to one pot, then a clear liquid to
Another black-haired vampire snorted. Because the Goof-ball
remember which potion does what.
AND they seem to affect adults in only large doses, and teens
and kids in
small ones,a red-headed vampire laughed.BUT HE CAN'T REMEMBER THE DOSES,
the dumb ass!
Joyce coughed as she saw George's angry expression. I see.
Does an artiste wonder what color effects his work? No! Does a
what words to use when he writes the great novel? *No*! Does a master chef
wonder what happens when he creates a great dish? NO! George shouted as he
glared at the vampires. No! No! A thousand times no!
The red-headed vampire snarled at George. Does dumb ass George
have to worry
about what Trick is going to do to him if he doesn't produce? HELL YES!
The red-headed vampire turned to face Joyce again. THAT'S why
you and the
Slayer are the guinea pigs!
So, this George guy wanted you to be his guinea pigs for his
stared at her. That is just so-so-so weird!
Buffy nodded.Tell me about it, Will. I'm used to be hunted for
for guinea pigs.
So then what happened? Why is your mom upstairs giving Giles
and the Wonder
Wimp a bath?
All right. This is *enough* Joyce, Joyce said aloud as she
looked at the
white ceiling. You didn't have much trouble scrubbing the Wonder Wimp down,
so why are you having alot of trouble doing this man? It should be easier
since you had sex with him before. It was only sex. He probably doesn't even
think about it.
As she held the loofah at his muscular chest, Joyce took a
deep breath and
then started to scrub again.\rdblquote Stop caressing the mans chest, Joyce and
scrub. And hope to got that the candy won't wear off until after he's done
with the bath. Please, don't wake up. Please, don't wake up. Please, if
there is a God in heaven, *don't wake up*!
Why not? asked a groggy voice. The blue hazel eyes tried to
focus on the
blurry image.Joyce? Is that you? What are you doing in my bath?
\ldblquote I've been wondering about that myself, Joyce joked
grimly as her face
turned red. She looked into his eyes.Um, can you understand me? Are you in
Giles winced as he tried to touch his head.My head hurts. And
Why am I wet? Why are there bubbles on my chest? And why am I wearing a
\ldblquote I guess you're dine if you're asking all these
questions. You're wet and
wearing a skirt because I'm giving you a bubble bath and trying to protect
your modesty,Joyce said, her face redder as she lifted his arm and used
the loofah to scrub at it. I promise I won't look under the skirt. Now stay
Is this a dream? Giles demanded as he closed his eyes. He
sighed as he
grabbed Joyce's hands and started to have them roam over his chest. This has
to be a dream. You're not real. She wouldn't even talk to me for months
after we made love on the police car. Joyce wouldn't come near me unless she
had to come to the hospital. Wouldn't even touch me. So this has to be a
dream. A very nice and wet dream.
Trying to ignore his ramblings and her growing urge to let him
hands to wherever, Joyce pulled her hands away and squirted some shampoo
into her palm. She then started lather it into his hair.Then this is a
dream. Now close your eyes and dream.
Ohhh, that feels nice, Giles moaned aloud as Joyce started to
lather a bit
more vigorously. I like this dream. This is a nice dream. Joyce never used
to do this in my dreams. She would just come and go, like a will-o-wisp in
the night. Never talking to me, just disappear after we made love. We always
have alot of sex...but never in the bath...
Her face redder than before, Joyce stopped massaging Giles's
scalp as she
heard him snore gently. Ohhh, boy! This has to be the strangest night.
As she leaned against the tub, Joyce closed her eyes and
sighed as she
remembered what happened earlier in the evening at Sweet Haven.
Buffy came to as she noticed several things. Her hands were
bound behind her
back. She was tied up in a chair in what looked like a kitchen and her
mother was surrounded by three vamps and a strange little bearded man she
\ldblquote Potions will sell the candy, George said stubbornly
as he stirred something
pink into another pot, then turned off the flames to the oven. Now, all we
have to do is wait for them to cool a bit before we can have you two try
George, you can't do this! This is cheating! her mother
shouted at him. You
are NOT a great chef if you have to use potions to get people to buy your
food! Especially candy!
Pouring a clear liquid into one pot, George snorted at her.What
think most chefs use? Talent? They have none! It's all about the stuff they
put in their food!
NOT CANDY! her mom shouted. CANDY is all about the packaging
marketing! And the knick knacks you find with the candy. NOT potions! If
kids hate it, they won't buy it! They don't buy it, you still get eaten by
George glared at Joyce. I will NOT get eaten by vampires! Mr.Trick
me my own restaurant if I make his candy for him!
Her mom crossed her arms. And if you believe that, I have a
Monet at my
house I can sell you for five bucks.
Hey! Slayer's awake, shouted the blonde vampire. He started to
from the chair. Have a nice nap, Slayer? Wanna have a bite?
Buffy glared at the vampire. Go chew on a stake, Fido.
The vampire back-handed her so hard that she and the chair
toppled over. As
Buffy rolled away, she heard her mother scream and a vampire roar. Springing
to her feet, Buffy was greeted to the surreal sight of seeing her mother
yanking the vampires hair down to the floor.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER! Joyce Summer shouted as she
saw red when
the vampire slapped her defenseless daughter. Somehow her hands were filled
with that thing's hair and she was yanking at it.
Buffy quickly sprung back to her feet and rammed into a black
that was headed towards her mother.\rdblquote Mom! GET BACK!
Stop! Stop! George shouted frantically as he waved his hands
watching the destruction going on in his kitchen. STOP!
Back-kicking the red-haired vampire, Buffy rammed into George
just as Joyce
was slapped by a black-haired vampire. Shut up, George! Mom! RUN!
The black vampire picked Joyce up from the floor and held her
neck as he
faced Buffy. SLAYER! I've got your mother! Surrend-
The two other vampires stared as the black haired vamp turned
Sparing a smile at Giles holding the crossbow and Wes the cross, Buffy
rammed into the red-haired vampire.What took you guys so long?!
I didn't know that we were expected to this party, Giles
panted as he
helped Joyce up from the floor. Are you all right, Joyce? Wesley! Go help
Joyce grabbed a cake and flung it at the vampires that were
about to attack
Buffy. I'm fine. Buffy! You have to stay away from the potions on the
George ran towards Buffy and the two vampires and the man
cross. My kitchen! My kitchen! You're destroying my kitchen!
After throwing several cakes and pies at the vampires
converging on her
daughter with her daughter's ex-Watcher helping her, Joyce frantically
turned to look at Giles,Ripper! I mean, Giles,we have to-Look out!
Giles turned to see two vampires enter the small kitchen, and
frantically load the crossbow again. Oh, damn! Joyce! Run!
Giles fired the crossbow again, and promptly turned another
dust as the other leapt, taking him down. Joyce screamed as she grabbed a
heavy sauce pan and swung the pan down on the vampires head, knocking him
out. Giles quickly rolled over and grabbed the crossbow again to reload it.
You get your hands off that Slayer! Wesley shouted as he
grabbed a pot from
the stove and overturned the contents onto the vampire, splattering some on
himself. The vampire roared as he grabbed the pot from Wesley and then
overturned it onto the young Watcher's head and banged on it before he threw
him aside. Then he turned and was promptly dusted by a bolt from Giles's
My caramel! My caramel! George screamed at he held his face in horror.
As the vampire banged on the pot that Wesley wore, Joyce
grabbed a knife and
ran towards her daughter to frantically cut at her bonds.
As Giles flung himself at the vampires attacking Buffy, Joyce
cut at her daughter's ropes when she saw a vampire grab Giles, then throw
him at the stove. Buffy screamed,GILES!
Joyce watched stunned as the other pot that George had put a
toppled and fell over onto Giles, covering him in melted chocolate. RIPPER!
MY CHOCOLATE! George screamed as he saw his melted chocolate
fall over the
older man. He grabbed a wooden spoon and ran scream towards a groggy
vampire. You're ruining my kitchen!
The vampire that threw Giles swooped down and picked him up.
As Giles gasped
for air, he managed to swallow as healthy amount of chocolate.
The vampire growled and was about to bite the chocolate
covered neck of the
Watcher when he was blinded with a healthy squirt of whipped cream. Turning,
he saw the Slayer's mother wildly spray him in the eyes again with the white
stuff. He roared as he dropped the Watcher and then promptly turned to dust
as Buffy yanked out a wooden spoon from his chest.
Lying on the ground, Wesley yanked off the pot from his head.
Ohhh. my head
is ringing. I hate caramel, but this tastes good.
The groggy vampire grabbed George as he flung himself, then
the chef's neck. Trick says deals off, George.
Let's go, boyo,said the vampire as he flung George's body onto
where the rows of colored liquids were, destroying them. Next time, Slayer.
Without a second glance, the remaining two vampires left the
helped pick Giles up from the floor as Wesley stood groggily up. Are you two
all right? You didn't have much of the caramel or the chocolate did you?
Buffy grinned when she looked at Giles and Wesley.Look at you
caramel coated Wuss and a chocolate covered Giles with whipped cream! Enough
to turn off my sweet tooth!
Giles glared at Buffy through his chocolate covered head and
Hey, Mom? Is he decent? You need any help now? Buffy asked
closed door. Joyce looked down at the sleeping man in the tub, then walked
over the door to let her in.
Her face red, Joyce looked a the two girls. I'm done now,
thank heavens. You
both can help me move him to the bed.
Um, I don't think we can fit him on the bed. Wes is in the
it,Willow said hesitantly as she pointed at the younger Watcher sleeping
soundly as he was, indeed, sleeping in the middle of the bed.
Joyce shot the sleeping man an exasperated look, then marched
over to the
bed and started to roll the man to one side of the bed. I don't believe the
idiot. Of all the most stupid things for him to be...uh! It's for him to be
a bed hog! Wes, move!
\ldblquote I'll be up later, nanny, Wesley moaned in his sleep
as he clutched a
pillow. Willow giggled as she saw Wesley rub his face into the pillow as
\ldblquote Let's get Mr.Giles out of the tub,Joyce said as she
led the way and
stepped into the tub, stepping over a wet skirt and towels.
Willow and Buffy's mouth dropped as Joyce looked for a way to
sleeping man up. Buffy yelped, MOM! YOU PUT A SKIRT ON GILES?!?
Why did you think I asked for four of my cotton skirts? Would
have me see him naked? Joyce retorted as she put her arms around Giles's
But-but to see him in-in a-a skirt! A Yellow SKIRT! Willow
shock. Her mentor! Her TEACHER! GILES! In a *SKIRT*!
Joyce looked at the red faced girls. If it helps knowing it,
wearing my pink skirt.
MOM! Buffy cried in horror. WESLEY'S WEARING A PINK SKIRT?!?
Would you rather see them naked?Joyce countered, then
suppressed a chuckle
as they both frantically shook their head.So then stop complaining and help
me get them to bed. Buffy, you and Willow take his back as I pull him
So how did they get to be knocked out? Willow grunted as she
tried to move
Giles's leg out of the tub.
Will? Grab that towel, maybe we can get a better handle on him
if we dry
his back. Jeez, Giles, we're gonna have to cut back the scones, Buffy
grunted as she tried to keep him from slipping. It was like this...Mom! I'm
I got him! Joyce said as she wrapped her arms around Giles's
grunted as she caught his full weight and started leaning backwards from
it. Move that right leg! And wrap that towel around his chest and pull!
After much effort, the sleeping Giles was taken out of the tub.
grunted as she moved his leg again. So, how were they knocked out again?
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