Title:  Surprise Birthday Present(s) for Mom...and an Extra Surprise for Me
Author:  ME ME ME!!!!
E-Mail:  You already know this so why in the Hell do I keep putting this
Distribution:  I have no idea who would want this, but you're welcome to it.
Rating:  I guess PG-13 or maybe PG-15?  Nothing too bad here...At  least I hope
not.  I'm really not sure.  I *so* suck with ratings...hehehe
Summery:  I'm not telling.  I wrote this as a birthday story for my mom.  Her
birthday was today...well actually yesterday now.  She just hit the big 50!
And this story definitely gave her a MAJOR happy!  And I get my happy with
this story too.  So my mom's happy in this story, I'm happy, but my dad's not
happy in this story...and you'll find out why...hehehe
Feedback:  Sure!  But only if you really really want to! I mean, I'm not
forcing you or anything.  Oh come on!  Would little ol' me do that?!  Hehehe
Disclaimer:  Argh!  I *so* hate this part!  Okay.  I don't own David Boreanaz,
Patrick Swayze, Spike or Dru.  Spike and Dru belong to that Monkey Crack Over-
Abusing acid-tripping executive producer we all know as Joss (I just LOVE
saying that!), and Err Argh! Productions.  I'm just borrowing them.  Psst!
Can I keep Spike?  David and Patrick belong to themselves, I'm  just using them
in this fic without their knowledge.  Sorry guys!  Please don't sue me!
*pulling out chunks of hair*  I can't take that kind of pressure!!!  And my
mom and dad belong to themselves too, and I'm also using them in this fic
without their permission or knowledge.  And I belong to myself too...At least
I did the last time I checked...hehehe
Note:  I have NO idea where I got the idea for this from.  It just kinda
popped into my head.  And I wrote this in one day!  That's a new record for
me!  GO ME!
One More Note:  Please excuse any weird spelling or grammar mistakes in this
story.  I mean, I do use Spell Check and everything, but sometimes  I just
don't catch everything.  And sometimes my grammar totally
And now....on with the DAMN story already.....

"Greetings!  I am the all-powerful Internet birthday genie!  You have been
kind enough to rub my lamp and awaken me after my thousand-year sleep,  so now
your wish is my command!  I will only allow you one wish, for that is how it
has always been and will continue to be until the end of time.  Whatever you
wish for, you shall receive!  However, do remember to wish carefully, for once
your wish has been granted, you will not get another wish until next year, and
your current wish cannot be withdrawn.  I REPEAT!  Your current wish cannot
and WILL NOT be withdrawn!  Now, if you have already made your wish, click on
my lamp and your wish shall be granted!  Well, my work here is done!  Enjoy!"
I had been thinking of something to get my mom for her fiftieth birthday  on
Friday, January 29, the big 5-0, but I couldn't think of anything.  What
should I get her?!  Well, I was online that afternoon, like always,when I got
an instant message from some weirdo who wouldn't tell me his or her name.  But
it was totally wiggin' because they knew exactly what I was thinking.  Then
they told me to go to this really wacked website that granted wishes, or some
crap like that.  Thinking the person was on Monkey Crack, I went anyways, just
to check it out.  The site was called, "Birthday Wishes Granted from the
Birthday Genie!"  Yeah right!  I thought!  What a bunch of total crap!

I decided to try it anyways.  I clicked on this lamp, and out popped  this
little genie on the screen.  It was really weird.  I felt as if the genie was
looking right through me, and I thought he might fly out of the screen  or
something.  Anyways, I read the part about wishing for something when I
thought, I got it!  I know what I'll wish for!  I'll wish to give my mom
something for her birthday!  <Now.  What should I wish for?  What does she
really really want?  Oh!  I'll wish for....No.  Wait.  That's what I
want...nevermind.  Oh!  I got the perfect thing!  She'll just LOVE this!>  So
then I clicked on the little lamp again, all the while thinking, Yeah  right.
This will never work.  Why am I so stupid to actually believe this crap?!

Then something really freaky happened.  A few seconds after I clicked on the
little lamp, the genie got sucked back into the lamp, and the whole screen
turned bright white and went blank!  It was like the website never even
existed!  Okay.  I thought.  What the Hell happened there?!  Where did
everything go?!  What happened to my mom's wish?!  Oh well.  Like it really
would've worked anyways.  There's always next year........

That night, we were all sitting around the dining room table, having  just
eaten dinner...Duh!...when there was a knock at the door.  I stood behind my
mom as she opened the door to find a huge box sitting there on our doorstep, I
mean really really huge, and a guy standing behind the box in a Zorro
costume?!  The box was so huge that a person could easily fit inside, and I
had no idea who the guy in the Zorro costume was.

"Hello.  Are you Mrs. Maywhort?"  The guy in the Zorro costume asked.

"Y-yes.  That would be me."  My mom said, obviously very surprised, as were me
and my dad.

"And it's your birthday right?"  The mysterious man in the Zorro costume

"Yes!  But how did you..."

"That's not important.  Now if everyone would please move back."  The man
said, pushing the huge box inside.

"Happy Birthday!  Open one of your presents!"  The man said.  Curious, my mom
literally tore open the box to find....a large birthday cake inside....and  I'm
talkin' REALLY large!  And it had "Happy 50th Birthday Mom!" written on it in
hot pink letters.  And the cake itself was white with pink and green icing.
As we watched, the cake split open to reveal....David Boreanaz?!  My mom and I
couldn't believe our eyes!  But it was David!  And he was totally naked except
for a small black thong!  Then David started to sing "Happy Birthday" with
icing all over his body.  He leaned over, kissed my mom right on the lips,
then asked, "Excuse me, but where is your shower?  I don't want to get this
icing all over your carpet."

"Mrs.?  Mrs.?  Are you okay?"  David asked over and over,  but my mom didn't
seem to hear him.

"Hello?  HELLO?!  HEY!"  I yelled, but my mom was too busy staring at the
yumminess that is David.

"Oh.  I'm sorry.  The shower is that way."  My mom said, pointing to the
bathroom and licking the icing off of her lips.  "But you can use the shower
outside, if that would be easier for you."

"Thanks."  David said.  "Maybe that would be easier."

"Just go out front, go around the house, then go through the fence. You'll
find it."  My mom said.

"Thanks again.  Hey man!"  David yelled to the mysterious man in the Zorro
costume.  "Would you mind wheeling me around to the shower?  That way I won't
have to make a mess everywhere."

"Sure David.  I'd be glad too.  Don't go anywhere.  We'll  be right back."  The
mysterious man said, pushing the huge cake with David still in it back

"That man in the costume sounds familiar."  My mom said.  "Very familiar.
Maybe it's....No...It just couldn't be."

"Who?!  Who do you think it is?!"  I asked my mom.

"Nevermind.  I know that's not him.  There's no way that could possibly be
him."  My mom said.  At that point, I knew that she was thinking  the same
thing that I was....about who that guy in the Zorro costume REALLY was!  But
how was that possible?!

Then the mysterious man in the Zorro costume came back in the front door,
wrapped his arms around my mom, and kissed her....right on the lips!   And this
kiss would definitely have overloaded the Love meter!  I'm talking WAY off the
scale here!  I'm talking...Okay.  That's enough.  Sorry.  I just got a little
carried away there.  Then the mysterious man in the Zorro costume...what else
would you like me to call him?....took off his hat, mask, and cape to
reveal...Patrick Swayze!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  And my mom was
literally drooling all over herself.  Patrick was wearing a black t-shirt,
black leather pants, and black shoes.  He looked like he had just  jumped right
out of the movie "Dirty Dancing".

Then I knew what was happening.  Somehow, I had no idea how, my wish for my
mom had actually come true!  All Hail the Almighty Internet birthday  genie!
Then, from out of nowhere, the music from Dirty Dancing started playing.  And
it was totally weird, because I didn't even have the radio turned on.  "Come
on.  Let's dance."  Patrick said to my mom.  Patrick wrapped his arm around my
mom's waist and they began swaying their hips to the music, getting down right
in our living room!

Suddenly I noticed that my dad had been really quiet since this all started.
I looked over to see him still sitting at the dining room table with this
weird look on his face.  I could tell that he was totally not loving this!  I
silently hoped that this whole wish thing would end really quick, just  in case
my dad decided to flip out and try to kill Patrick!  "Well.  Aren't you going
to open your other present?"  Patrick asked my mom.  "Well.  Go on.  Open your
present.  This night is only for you.  Anything you want, anything at all, you
will get tonight."

"Anything?"  My mom asked.

"Anything."  Patrick said.

So my mom grabbed Patrick's black t-shirt, lifted it up over his head  and
tossed it to the floor, while still managing to keep her rhythm.  Then my mom
grabbed the zipper on his leather pants, and started to pull it down, going
lower and lower with her body.  I had never seen her dance that way before.
It was if she was under some kind of spell.  But maybe that was all part of
the wish too.  Then my mom got down on her knees and pulled his leather pants
off, tossing them away. r

Then David came back in through the back door, his hair and body still
dripping wet, as "Hungry Eyes" started to play.  As I watched, David came up
behind my mom, wrapped his arms around her waist, and nuzzled her neck, while
Patrick rubbed up against her from the other side.  Well, this went on for I
don't know how long, my mom dancing in between Patrick and David, while my dad
sat at the dining room table, the steam literally rising from his head.  I
watched David dancing with my mom, as streams of water ran down his neck,
chest, stomach and abdomen.  I was also staring at his....ummm....nevermind.
I won't go there.

Then the music suddenly stopped.  "And now for the second part of your
present."  Patrick whispered something in my mom's ear, then took her hand as
my mom started to lead him toward her bedroom.  Then my dad jumped up out of
his chair, actually knocking it over, and was about to scream something, when
Dru? suddenly appeared behind him.  I did a double and a triple take on that
one, thinking that I was on Monkey Crack or something, but I looked again and
it was really Dru!

<Whoa.  Rewind.  I didn't wish for this!  Where in the Hell did Dru come
from?!  Refund!  I wanna refund!  I wanna refund!   I'm gonna find that damn
genie and kill him!  I'm gonna rip his eyes out!  KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE!!!
Oh.  Wait.  I forgot.  The genie's not real.  Dammit! But I can't let that
Psycho Ho of a vampire kill my dad!  I just can't!  Weapons!  I need some
weapons!  Dammit!  Where's a slayer when you really need one?!>  Then I began
scanning the room for weapons and finding none.

My dad started to walk out of the dining room, but Dru wrapped her arms around
his waist and pulled him to her.  "Now now.  You're bein'  a very bad bad
Daddy.  She wants to play with her present.  Let her play with her present or
there'll be no tea and cakes for you tonight.  Now be a good Daddy and sit on
Mummy's lap."  Dru shoved my dad back down into the chair, sat on his lap,
wrapped her arms around his neck and started kissing him.  <Okay.   That's it.
Now I'm *so* gonna heave.  That total Ho!>

Then mom walked to the bedroom, with Patrick on one arm and David on the
other.  <David too?  Okay.  I *so* don't remember wishing for any of this!>  A
few minutes after the bedroom door closed, I heard all kinds of sounds coming
from the bedroom...and that's all I'm gonna say about that!

Meanwhile, Dru was still kissing my dad saying,  "Good Daddy.  Good Daddy."
over and over again, while my dad kept screaming, "HELP!  GET AWAY FROM ME!
HELP HELP HELP!" while trying to shove Dru off of his lap.  <Okay! That's it!
I'm not gonna take this anymore!>  I rushed at Dru screaming, "Get away from
my dad you Evil Psycho Vamp Ho!"  <I'm trying to attack Dru without any
weapons.  Great Plan!  I am such a dumbass!  This is it!  I'm *so* gonna die!>

Just then, I felt a hand grab onto my shoulder.  "Now now, Pet. Tryin' to
'urt my girlfriend?  That's not nice."  I was spun around to face...Spike!

"Spike!"  I shouted.  "What...how...why...what are you doing here?!  How did
you get here?!  How is this possible?!  This isn't possible!  I'm dreaming!  I
must be!  I'm on Monkey Crack!  That's it!  I'm on Monkey Crack!  You're not
really here!  You're just an optical illusion!"

"Really?  I'm an optical illusion, am I now Ducks?"  Spike said.  "I assure
you that I am as real as it gets.  How I'm 'ere?!  Well that's not important.
As to what I'm doing 'ere and why, it's really quite simple. There seems to
'ave been a little problem with that birthday wish you made for you mum."

"What?!  What are you talking about Spike?!"  I yelled. But then, as I
thought about it more, everything suddenly made sense, as much as I  wished it
didn't.  "Y-you-you're the-the Birthday Genie!"  I shouted.

"You are correct, Luv.  I am the all-powerful birthday genie!"  Spike said,
crossing his arms over his chest.

"Whoa!  Rewind!  That couldn't have been you!"  I yelled.  "When I read it, it
didn't even seem like you typed that!"

"Well now Pet.  It wouldn't be any fun if I gave the game away now would it?"
Spike said.

"And Gee.  Let me guess.  You were the freak who IM'd me right?!" I asked.

"You are correct once again, Luv.  Now, as I was gonna say, you 'ave broken
the genie's rule!"

"What-what's the problem with my wish then?"  I asked, staring into Spike's
sparkling blue eyes, trying to act all brave.

"The rule was that you could 'ave one wish granted.  ONE WISH!"  Spike
shouted, going into game face mode.

"But I did ask for one wish to be granted!  What do you think I did?!"  I
asked. \par \par

"Wrong Pet!  You wished for both David AND Patrick to appear, and I'm sorry,
well actually I'm not, but that's TWO wishes!"  Spike growled.

"Oh Sure!"  I yelled.  "It's two wishes if you wanna get all technical about
it!  But I still say it was ONE wish!  And I wanted my mom to be happy for her
birthday!  You got a problem with that?!"  I yelled.

"Oh I could make your mum very happy Pet.  Much more happy than those two
pathetic wankers ever could."  Spike said.

"What?!  I DON'T THINK SO!  You stay away from my mom, you wanna be Billy Idol
peroxide-using bleach blond Freak!"  I yelled, trying to get away from Spike.

"Oh, now that wasn't very nice at all there Luv.  I'm afraid you'll  'ave to be
punished for sayin' that to me."  Spike said.

"What are you gonna do to me?"  I asked.

"Well I 'ope you've enjoyed your virginity Luv, 'cause after tonight you're
not gonna 'ave it anymore.  Now point the way to the bedroom and let's get
started Luv."  Spike said, roughly grabbing my arm.

"HOLD IT!"  I shouted, pulling out of Spike's grip and spinning around to face
"Now you listen here, Willy Poo!  I am NOT your Luv or your Pet or your Ducks
or any other combination of words you wanna call me!  You got that?!"  I
yelled in Spike's face.

"Bloody Hell!  Don't bloody call me Willy Poo!  I should bloody well kill you
for that!"  Spike growled, grabbing onto my shoulders.  "But I won't 'cause if
I do then I won't get to 'ave fun with you."  Spike said, turning me around
and shoving me forward.  "Now where's the bloody bedroom already?!  I don't
have all bloody century ya know!"  Spike yelled.

"It's tha-that w-way."  I said, pointing down the hallway.

"Very well then.  Lead the way Luv!"  Spike said.

"Look!  I just told you!  I am not your....Mmmmpppphhhh!!!!!"  Spike clamped
his hand over my mouth, opened my bedroom door and shoved me inside.

"OW!  BLOODY HELL!"  Spike screamed, when I bit his hand as hard as I could.
"YOU BITCH!"  Spike yelled, holding up his hand, as blood dripped down his arm
and onto the floor.  "You are gonna pay for that!"  Spike snarled, throwing me
back onto the bed.  He snapped his fingers and two sets of silver chains
magically appeared.  "Aaaahhhh!  I Luv 'aving this power!"  Spike said, as he
wrapped the chains around the top and bottom bed posts, then secured the
manacles to my wrists and ankles so I couldn't move at all.  Then Spike ripped
off all of my clothes and sank his fangs into my neck.  I thought  I was going
to die as I felt my life draining away, but Spike didn't kill me.  "Aaaahhh!"
Spike said, throwing his head back.  "Virgin blood!  I'd almost forgotten how
sweet it is!"  Then Spike stood up and took off all of his clothes.

"Well now it's time for the fun to begin!  Get ready Luv!  I'm gonna pound
into you until you bleed!"  Spike said, lying on top of me. I closed my eyes
and thought, Oh great.  How am I gonna explain THIS to my mom?!  And I think
I'll censor the rest of this part.  I don't want any *ahem* younger people
getting corrupted here.  But you already know what happened, so there's really
no point to that is there?!

Well, after Spike had his *ahem* fun with me, he just kinda disappeared. And
when I finally put on some new clothes, the other ones having been torn by
Spike, and rushed out of the bedroom, I saw that Dru, Patrick and David had
disappeared too.  But then I found out why.  When I looked at the clock on the
living room VCR, I saw that it was 12:10 a.m., meaning that it was no longer
my mom's birthday, meaning that my birthday wish was now over!  Woo Hoo!

All in all, that was a really wiggy night.  Mom ended up getting it on with
Patrick and David, Dad got kissed over and over by Dru, and I lost  my
virginity to Spike!  And not to sound extremely sick or anything, but if
that's what Spike considers being punished, then I say...Do it again!  Do it
again!  And again and again and again!  Bring it on Baby!

<Hmmm...what should I wish for for my mom's birthday next year?  Or my dad's
birthday on Valentine's Day?  Or better yet, what should I wish for for MY
birthday?!  Hmmm...I'm seeing endless possibilities here!  And I was gonna
wish to have sex with David, but there's always some other time.  That's it!
That's my wish for my birthday!  I'll wish to have sex with David! Oh Baby!>

And I'm *so* hoping that Spike and Dru will show up for my dad's birthday so
that I can introduce Dru to the sharp end of good ol' Mr. Pointy!  How dareth
she kiss MY dad!  The Vamp Ho must die!  The Vamp Ho must die!  As I looked at
my mom, I realized that the only problem left was the problem of how to tell
her that I had had sex with Spike!  SPIKE!  The O So Magically Delicious One!
The Hottest of all the Hotties!  I mean, what was I supposed to do?!  Just run
up to my mom and say, "Hey Mom!  Guess what?  I had sex with a vampire!"  Yeah
right!  As if that would go over really big!  I stood there for what seemed
like forever, trying to think of something to say.  Great.  I thought, staring
at my mom and dad.  This is perfect.  Just perfect.  Just what I need.  This
is gonna be a LONG night!  Well what's left of it anyways. What should I tell
them?!  How should I tell them?!  I have no idea where to begin!  I am like
totally clueless!  THIS SUCKS!  I am *so* dead!


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