From: Bree <brianna_devlin@yahoo.com>
TITLE: Into the shadows 1/1
AUTHOR: Brianna (Bree) Devlin
EMAIL: Brianna_Devlin@yahoo.com
RATING: PG13 <angsty stuff, references to death>
SPOILERS: The Prom, Graduation 1 & 2 <yes, I've seen
part 2, so if you haven't and don't want to know
certain details, don't read it.>
SUMMARY: Buffy writes a letter to Angel, set a few
weeks after Graduation and his departure from
Sunnydale.
DISTRIBUTION: Vampyr Chronicles, BuffyFanFiction2,
SGCAA, Mearain's site, Anna's site, and anyone else
who wants to archive this series, please feel free!
Just let me know where you're going to file it!
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters and story lines were
created by Joss Whedon and his minions. Everything is
owned by the WB and a lot more people. All I own is
the angst poured into this little display of
depression.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this in a fairly brief time,
just something I had to get off my chest. It's really
not much, and is probably pretty lame, but hey,
sometimes you just have to write it out anyway. Just
thought I'd share my pain with the rest of you A/B
'shippers. If you're still upset about Angel leaving
and all the angsty Buffy and Angel stuff from the Prom
and on, keep some tissues handy. Just a suggestion.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
Angel,
I don't know if you'll ever get this letter. I'll
probably just wad it up and pitch it when I finish
writing it, but I had to do something. I couldn't
just keep it inside anymore. And since you're not
here for me to share it with, well, you're the only
one anyway who would understand what I'm saying. I
tried to explain it to Willow, but as much as I know
she cares, she'll never know what I'm feeling. No one
will. Well, except for you.
I couldn't even send this to you if I wanted to. How
could I? You didn't even know where you were going,
or did you? Did you have that planned already? When
you left that night, after we killed the mayor. God
that was a wild night. I didn't even have a chance to
worry about you, or anyone for that matter. I was too
freaked out by the ascension, and trying to distract
him away from the rest of you. But I knew you were
there, and that was enough to help me do what I had to
do. But that was weeks ago, and I'm still in limbo,
Angel. When you told me you weren't going to say
goodbye, that you were just going to leave after it
was over, I was so numb, still in shock I guess that
you were actually going to leave. I guess I was
hoping that after what we'd gone through after you
were poisoned that maybe you'd changed your mind. Did
I ever thank you for saving my life? I guess not.
You were gone by the time I left the hospital, and
then we were so wrapped up preparing for battle that
we never got to talk.
I quit the council. Did you know that? Probably
not.
They wouldn't help us find a cure for you. Wesley
tried, I'll give him that much, but not enough. I
couldn't believe it when he told me that they refused
to help. It didn't matter that you'd helped us; they
just turned their backs and said no, to let you die.
I told Wesley that I quit. I don't know what will
happen to me, if anything. I really don't care. All
that mattered was getting you healed. I couldn't
watch you die, Angel. When Oz and Willow found the
cure, I knew what I had to do. I didn't think it
would be that hard to fight Faith. It's so sad how
things went down with her, I mean before... before I
killed her. Well, at least stabbed her. She didn't
know what the cure was, but as soon as she found out,
she was determined to either kill me or die trying to
keep you from living. I don't know when she went bad.
She was like my sister-slayer, you know? Sure she
had her own agenda half the time, but still, I really
thought somewhere inside she still cared.
Our fight was unbelievable. I didn't think I could do
it, but when I stabbed her, it was awful, Angel. I
had a flashback of last year when we were fighting and
I had to close Acathla. I can still see the look on
your face when I stabbed you. God, Angel, I'm so
sorry I had to do that. I know you didn't understand
why, you were so disoriented. But Faith, she knew
what she was doing, and it was either her or me. I
knew that if she killed me you'd die too, so I had to
do it. I had a dream about her while I was in the
hospital. I think she understood, well, at least
that's what I interpreted, but it was a really weird
dream. Sort of an out-of-body experience. Hhm,
that's sort of what I feel like now. Like I'm
watching myself go through all of the motions, the
day-to-day stuff I have to deal with, the slaying,
trying to go on like everything's okay.
There are so many things unresolved, Angel. And I
still don't understand why you had to leave. Maybe I
will someday, I don't know. Right now I'm just
finding it hard to breathe. Didn't you love me enough
to stay? Was it not enough that I don't care if
you're still as beautiful as you are now when I'm old
and wrinkly and, well, if I even get that old. You
know how things go with Slayers. Sometimes I swear I
can hear the ticking in the back of my mind and I'm
just waiting for that bell to go off announcing the
end of Buffy Summers. You know, one too many lives.
Geez, sometimes I feel like a cat, ya know? What is
this, the second time now I've 'died,' and you once
again were there to save me. And now? You're not
here, and I don't know where you are.
I think that's the worst part -- I don't even know
where you are, Angel. I mean, before I at least knew
you were here, in Sunnydale. At the mansion, or
patroling in the graveyard, or out doing that
cryptic-guy stuff you do so well. I knew that sooner
or later you'd walk out of the shadows, bringing a ray
of light into my freaky world. And that you were
there watching me even when I didn't know it, ready to
fight along side me. But now... now I can't even call
you. I just feel so lost, Angel. I know you said
that it was what you had to do, and I know you were
lying when you told me you didn't want to be with me.
You're not a good liar. At least not to me. I know
you too well. Then again, maybe I don't. I didn't
see this coming. Should I have? Was I so wrapped up
in us trying to be a normal couple that I missed the
signs of impending dumping-hood?
I hope wherever you are that you find whatever it is
you need to find, or do. I hope you'll think about
calling me. Even if you don't say anything, I'll know
it's you and that will be enough for me. Just to know
you still care. That you still remember me. At least
tell Giles, or send that weirdo demon friend of yours,
Whistler, to give me a message. Angel, I need to know
you're okay. That you're even alive. God, what if,
what if... you know. I can't say it. I just need to
know you're alive and well, and not living off rats
again. You're supposed to laugh at that, by the way.
My subtle attempt to lighten things. I'm way off the
mark, I know.
Just consider what I've said, okay? Even if you don't
want to -- you know how stubborn I am. At least lie
to me and say you've read it. I can't get the image
of you walking away out of my mind. It's burnt there
or something. You were right, no words could have
said it better than the look on your face, the pain in
your eyes. That's how I know you still love me. How
I know you'll always love me. And I know you want me
to have a normal life, or as normal a life as a Slayer
that lives on the Hellmouth could ever have. But no
one will ever replace you, Angel. I don't want anyone
else. When I look in the future, all I've ever seen
is you with me.
You are more human than anyone I've ever known, Angel.
And you always will be, no matter what you try to
make me think. I love you, Angel, heart and soul,
through night and day, through heaven and hell.
Buffy