From: "Jen Guyver" <j_a_g15@hotmail.com>
TITLE: Comfortably Numb
AUTHOR: Jen <j_a_g15@hotmail.com>
EMAIL: j_a_g15@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: All caracters aren't mine I just borrowed them so I
could screw
up their lives and then give them back to Joss so he can mess
with them even
more.
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: Angst. I like angst no happy ending here.
SPOILERS: No real spoilers, takes place after Angel leaves
for L.A
SUMMARY: Buffy deals with loss (like we haven't seen that
before)
DISTRIBUTION: Take it if you want it, but let me now.
FEEDBACK: Any and all feedback is welcome. If you want to
laugh at my
writing skills go ahead.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: The title is from Pink Floid's song
Comfortably Numb.
Thank you Dana Leigh
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have to thank Dr.J, Barbara Poland and Dana
Leigh for beta
reading my story, putting up with my non-existant spelling skills
and
numerous endings
'She's dead'.those
words, those terrible words. They just wouldn't sink in.
They refused to be notices(noticed). They sounded so fake, so
unreal. I've
heard so many unbearable things, my life revolves around things
that go bump
in the night, things that are meant to be myths and legends, that
is my
reality. I always expected her to die because of me, to be killed
by a foe I
wouldn't been able to conquer. When they told me the driver was
drunk, I
finally realized how the families of the vamp victims must feel
when they're
told the cause of death. It's impossible, it's not something that
happens in
real life. It feels like a wave crashes over my head and it drags
me under
the ocean and I can't stop swallowing the water because my body
refuses to
believe it's anything but air.
I can't stand the
house, it reeks of her, of her perfume, her shampoo, her
cooking. Her sculptures and paintings are scattered all
over the house, adorning every room, every wall. I can't breathe,
I can't
sleep, I can't eat, I can't sit still and I can't wake up from
this
nightmare.
I'm yearning for
something, but I'm not sure what. So I jump in the jeep
and just press on the gas. I don't know where I'm going, but the
further I
drive, the less my chest aches. I come to a stop at 4:39 am, in
the middle
of an upper class section of Los Angeles. I don't recognize where
I am, but
I'm magically no longer yearning for anything.
Then I see him. He
had just parked his car and is walking up the steps into
the house. The bitter lump in my throat stubbornly refuses to be
swallowed
and I'm paralysed, I can't take my eyes off him. I watch him as
he opens the
door and I see him through the window turning off a few lights
and pulling
down the blinds. I imagine him walking up the stairs because I
can no longer
see him. Then I see him walking into what I suppose is his
bedroom, turning
on the light and shrugging off his coat. My eyes linger on his
strong arms
and I imagine myself wrapped inside them.
I vaguely remember
picking the lock of his backdoor and slipping inside, my
brain screams for me to stop, but I can't. I tiptoe up the stairs
and walk
down the hall. No lights are on, and I mentally curse myself for
not paying
attention to which room is his. A pile of clothes spills out of
the first
room I open. It couldn't be his, he was always such a neat freak.
I move to
the next door. I can hear someone moving inside, getting ready
for bed and I
know it's him. I wait until I'm sure he's asleep and I stealthily
make my
way into his bedroom. My breath catches in my throat as I watch
him sleep.
He looks so peaceful, so angelic and I can feel something in me
start to
snap.
I strip off most of
my clothes, leaving myself in only my underclothes and
climb in beside him. He wraps his arms around me, still sleeping.
I forget
everything but him, he fills all my senses. It takes me a while
before I
realize he's awake and he's asking me what's wrong.
"Mom's
dead." I reply. I don't recognize my own voice, it sounds
cold and
metallic and I wonder where this calm exterior comes from,
because inside
I'm anything but.
He doesn't say
anything, he just holds me tighter and rubs my back with
long soft stokes. It feels so good, it feels so real, which is
all the more
reason to believe it's not and I clutch him tighter. Not many
things these
past few weeks have been real and I pray he's not part of another
dream. I
don't think I could take it. I can feel something start to build
up inside
me, I try to fight it but it comes out in a sob. The floodgates
open and I
bury my head in his shoulder. I try to stop crying, but I can't,
it's like
something's possessed me, making me feel everything I've shoved
into a dark
corner of my heart for the past two weeks.
I'm suddenly angry,
angry at Willow and Xander for leaving, angry at her
for being on the road that night, angry at myself for not being
there when
Mom died, angry at myself for causing her so much pain and angry
at God for
making me what I am. I'm angry at him, angry at him for loving
me, angry at
him for leaving and angry at him for just lying there while I
pound his
chest with my small fists. It's the only thing I can do to
express the pain
these emotions bring as they seize me. He doesn't do anything to
stop me,
just endures my wrath and mumbles soothing words to me in his
velvety voice.
He holds me as my tears turn into uncontrollable sobs and kisses
my head.
"It's ok,
don't worry, it's going to be ok." He whispers, but it's too
late. Nothing will be all right, nothing ever has been, I just
used to
pretend it was. I can already feel my heart grow numb again, like
a deer
caught in the headlights, my body tenses and freezes.
"Buffy, Buffy,
what's wrong?" He asks when he feels me stiffen. I slide out
of the bed and reach for my clothes.
"Buffy, where
are you going? Please don't leave." His voice cracks
as he speaks. I can feel the ice surrounding my heart begin to
melt. I won't
let it, I can't let myself love him back, I won't be able to
stand losing
him too.
I'm about to walk
out the door when he grabs me from behind, turning me
around and pinning me to the wall with a deep and passionate kiss
that I
can't stop myself from returning. We pull away and I'm breathing
harder then
I ever have before.
"Tell me that
meant nothing" He says. I stare into his eyes, the ones that
say everything he tries so hard to hide, and I suppress all the
voices in my
head telling me this is right, encouraging me to accept the
comfort he
offers me so freely. I take a deep breath and do the hardest
thing I have
ever had to do. I walk out on the only love I will ever know.