From: "Jen Guyver" <>

TITLE:  Comfortably Numb
AUTHOR:  Jen  <>
DISCLAIMER: All caracters aren't mine I just borrowed them so I could screw
up their lives and then give them back to Joss so he can mess with them even
WARNING:  Angst. I like angst no happy ending here.
SPOILERS:  No real spoilers, takes place after Angel leaves for L.A
SUMMARY:  Buffy deals with loss (like we haven't seen that before)
DISTRIBUTION: Take it if you want it, but let me now.
FEEDBACK:  Any and all feedback is welcome. If you want to laugh at my
writing skills go ahead.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:  The title is from Pink Floid's song Comfortably Numb.
Thank you Dana Leigh
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have to thank Dr.J, Barbara Poland and Dana Leigh for beta
reading my story, putting up with my non-existant spelling skills and
numerous endings

        'She's dead'.those words, those terrible words. They just wouldn't sink in.
They refused to be notices(noticed). They sounded so fake, so unreal. I've
heard so many unbearable things, my life revolves around things that go bump
in the night, things that are meant to be myths and legends, that is my
reality. I always expected her to die because of me, to be killed by a foe I
wouldn't been able to conquer. When they told me the driver was drunk, I
finally realized how the families of the vamp victims must feel when they're
told the cause of death. It's impossible, it's not something that happens in
real life. It feels like a wave crashes over my head and it drags me under
the ocean and I can't stop swallowing the water because my body refuses to
believe it's anything but air.

        I can't stand the house, it reeks of her, of her perfume, her shampoo, her
cooking. Her sculptures and paintings are scattered all
over the house, adorning every room, every wall. I can't breathe, I can't
sleep, I can't eat, I can't sit still and I can't wake up from this

        I'm yearning for something, but I'm not sure what. So I jump in the jeep
and just press on the gas. I don't know where I'm going, but the further I
drive, the less my chest aches. I come to a stop at 4:39 am, in the middle
of an upper class section of Los Angeles. I don't recognize where I am, but
I'm magically no longer yearning for anything.

        Then I see him. He had just parked his car and is walking up the steps into
the house. The bitter lump in my throat stubbornly refuses to be swallowed
and I'm paralysed, I can't take my eyes off him. I watch him as he opens the
door and I see him through the window turning off a few lights and pulling
down the blinds. I imagine him walking up the stairs because I can no longer
see him. Then I see him walking into what I suppose is his bedroom, turning
on the light and shrugging off his coat. My eyes linger on his strong arms
and I imagine myself wrapped inside them.

        I vaguely remember picking the lock of his backdoor and slipping inside, my
brain screams for me to stop, but I can't. I tiptoe up the stairs and walk
down the hall. No lights are on, and I mentally curse myself for not paying
attention to which room is his. A pile of clothes spills out of the first
room I open. It couldn't be his, he was always such a neat freak. I move to
the next door. I can hear someone moving inside, getting ready for bed and I
know it's him. I wait until I'm sure he's asleep and I stealthily make my
way into his bedroom. My breath catches in my throat as I watch him sleep.
He looks so peaceful, so angelic and I can feel something in me start to

        I strip off most of my clothes, leaving myself in only my underclothes and
climb in beside him. He wraps his arms around me, still sleeping. I forget
everything but him, he fills all my senses. It takes me a while before I
realize he's awake and he's asking me what's wrong.

         "Mom's dead." I reply. I don't recognize my own voice, it sounds cold and
metallic and I wonder where this calm exterior comes from, because inside
I'm anything but.

        He doesn't say anything, he just holds me tighter and rubs my back with
long soft stokes. It feels so good, it feels so real, which is all the more
reason to believe it's not and I clutch him tighter. Not many things these
past few weeks have been real and I pray he's not part of another dream. I
don't think I could take it. I can feel something start to build up inside
me, I try to fight it but it comes out in a sob. The floodgates open and I
bury my head in his shoulder. I try to stop crying, but I can't, it's like
something's possessed me, making me feel everything I've shoved into a dark
corner of my heart for the past two weeks.

        I'm suddenly angry, angry at Willow and Xander for leaving, angry at her
for being on the road that night, angry at myself for not being there when
Mom died, angry at myself for causing her so much pain and angry at God for
making me what I am. I'm angry at him, angry at him for loving me, angry at
him for leaving and angry at him for just lying there while I pound his
chest with my small fists. It's the only thing I can do to express the pain
these emotions bring as they seize me. He doesn't do anything to stop me,
just endures my wrath and mumbles soothing words to me in his velvety voice.
He holds me as my tears turn into uncontrollable sobs and kisses my head.

        "It's ok, don't worry, it's going to be ok." He whispers, but it's too
late. Nothing will be all right, nothing ever has been, I just used to
pretend it was. I can already feel my heart grow numb again, like a deer
caught in the headlights, my body tenses and freezes.

        "Buffy, Buffy, what's wrong?" He asks when he feels me stiffen. I slide out
of the bed and reach for my clothes.

        "Buffy, where are you going? Please don't leave." His voice cracks
as he speaks. I can feel the ice surrounding my heart begin to melt. I won't
let it, I can't let myself love him back, I won't be able to stand losing
him too.

        I'm about to walk out the door when he grabs me from behind, turning me
around and pinning me to the wall with a deep and passionate kiss that I
can't stop myself from returning. We pull away and I'm breathing harder then
I ever have before.

        "Tell me that meant nothing" He says. I stare into his eyes, the ones that
say everything he tries so hard to hide, and I suppress all the voices in my
head telling me this is right, encouraging me to accept the comfort he
offers me so freely. I take a deep breath and do the hardest thing I have
ever had to do. I walk out on the only love I will ever know.

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