Title:  "Buffy's Valentine Present" or "Angelus Has Fun with Xander"  (Part
Author: Oh come on!  Who else could be insane enough to write this?!
E-Mail:  You guys already know this, so why did I even put that there?!
Rating: R as in Really Really Sick!!!  This is not for anyone with a weak
stomach.  You have been warned...hehehe....
Disclaimer: I don't own Angelus, Xander, Buffy, Spike, Dru or anyone else
who's mentioned in this twisted story.  They all belong to that Monkey Crack
Over-Abusing acid-tripping executive producer we all know as Joss.  And they
also belong to Err Argh! Productions.  I have no money so please don't sue!!!
Oh!  And Vinny is my character.  He's just a poor little vampire minion caught
in the middle of everything...hehehe
Spoilers: None, unless you count BB&B (Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered) but
even that doesn't really have anything to do with this, so I guess...Nope!  No
spoilers here!  Hehehe....
Feedback:  Yes!  Yes!  Come on!  You know you love me!
Content:  Torture, blood, death...the usual...hehehe
Summary: I'm not telling.  Just read it.  But if you're someone who really
likes Xander, then I would suggest that you DON'T read it!  You'll find out
later.  And that's all I'm gonna say about that.  And I kill my own character
in this story so go figure...hehehe
Note: I posted part of this a while ago, but then I stopped in the middle of
the story.  Well now it's finished, except that I've changed some things
around.  Namely, I took Pam and Mel out of this story.  They were already in
two stories and I think that's enough for now.  Plus it would have made the
story way too long, and I'm getting sick and tired of typing really long
stories!  Argh!
Another Note:  I could make a sequel out of this, but I don't actually hate
most of the characters enough to kill any of them.  Well, except for The
Mayor, Principal Snyder and Scott...But I digress.  I even kinda like Faith
and Cordy.  Plus I'm running out of torture ideas.  Anyone have any
suggestions??  I don't even really hate Xander enough to kill him.  Blame
Angelus for this story.  It's all his fault!  He made me do it!  Angelus told
me if I didn't write this story, he would kill me!  What would you guys do?!
Right!  Write the damn story!
And now on with the story!

"Great.  It's Vinny."  Angelus said, standing up and pulling on his pants and

"Angelus!  Spike!  Get this off of me!"  Vinny shouted.

"Okay.  Just what the Hell did Vinny do now?!  I swear you can't leave one of
Spike's stupid minions alone for five seconds without one of them screwing
something up!  And if Vinny broke anything down there, I'm gonna tear his head
off and throw it against the wall!"  Angelus growled, putting on his game

"My Angel!  What about me?!  I want to play!"  Dru said.

"Not now Dru!"  Angelus snarled.  "I have to go kick some minion ass in the
form of Vinny!  What does Spike see in these idiots he turns into minions
anyway?!  And what kind of lame ass name is Vinny?!"

When Angelus reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw a huge mess.  There was
blood, mixed with soap and water, all over the floor, and there was Vinny
lying on the floor with the table over him.  Vinny was completely hidden under
the fallen table, with only his head, arms and legs sticking out, and there
were bits and pieces of various broken furniture surrounding him.  "VINNY!"

"S-s-Sorry A-A-A-Angelus S-S-Sir.  I-I-I w-was c-c-cleaning the f-f-floor w-
when I-I..." Vinny stuttered.

"GET ON WITH IT!"  Angelus yelled.

"Yes S-Sir Angelus S-Sir.  I was c-cleaning the f-floor when I s-s-slipped and
f-f-fell.  Then I s-s-slipped and hit the table and it f-fell on m-me.  I'm so
s-sorry A-Angelus S-Sir."  Vinny again stuttered.

"You're SORRY?!  You broke half of the furniture and you're SORRY?!"  Angelus
growled.  "Well Sorry's just not gonna cut it with me VINNY!  You've gotta be
the clumsiest minion yet that Spike's created!  What you are gives a new
meaning to the word clumsy!  I don't even know why Spike has bothered to keep
you around all this time!"

Angelus grabbed the table, lifted it off of Vinny and threw it across the
room, letting it crash into the wall, sending broken pieces of wood flying
everywhere.  Then Angelus grabbed Vinny by his shirt collar, lifted him up and
slammed him into the wall.

"Please!  Please don't kill me Angelus S-Sir!  I'm so sorry!  It will never h-
happen again, I p-p-promise!"  Vinny whined.

"That's not gonna work on me this time Vinny!  How many times have you
pathetic minions screwed things up before!  Spike might have forgiven you, but
I am way past giving or receiving forgiveness Vinny!  And I don't even know
why Spike forgave you!  It's your time to say Bye Bye Vinny!"  Angelus

"W-What are you going to do to m-me A-A-Angelus S-S-Sir?!"

"Well I did say I was gonna string you up and tear out your intestines to make
a necklace for Dru, but I don't have the patience for that anymore!  So what
do ya say that I make it easy on the both of us, and just give you a quick
death?!  I have never liked you Vinny!  And now I am really pissed off at you!
You're not even worthy of a slow death!"  Angelus growled.

"Hmmm...Now what's the fastest and easiest way for me to kill you?!  Oh!  I
know!  I have the perfect thing!"  Angelus said.  Angelus put Vinny down and
dragged him by his shirt collar into what was known as the "Torture Chamber"
or Chain Room.  Chains and manacles lined the walls on both sides, there was a
rack in the center of the room, an iron maiden next to that, and a huge pot
next to that.  Angelus dragged Vinny across to the pot, lifted him up and held
him over it.  "Well Vinny!  It's been nice knowing you, well actually it
hasn't, but now it's time for you to say Bye Bye!  I'll apologize to Spike for
killing you and send him your regards."  Angelus said.

"NNNNOOOO!!!!  ANGELUS!!!  NNNNOOOO!!!!!!"  Vinny screamed.

"Sorry Vinny.  Been there, done that, and you're not gettin' out of this!
It's the end of the line for you!  So long...Vinny!"  Angelus growled as he
tossed Vinny into the pot.  Vinny splashed around in the strange-looking
liquid for about ten seconds before his skin began to smoke.  Angelus watched
in amusement and started to laugh, when Vinny started to scream in pain as his
skin began to melt from his body.  Vinny's screams were cut short when his
lips actually melted off.

Vinny's eyes popped out of his head and fell into the pot along with huge
chunks of his flesh.  Vinny, or what was left of Vinny, fell backward into the
pot as his outer layer of skin melted away, revealing the muscle underneath.
Then that melted away, leaving his internal organs to spill out into the pot.
All that could be heard was a sizzling sound as his heart, spleen, liver,
intestines and everything else merged with the liquid.  Then all that was left
of Vinny was a skeleton, and within a few seconds that dissolved too, leaving
nothing but the bubbling liquid.

<Bye Bye Vinny!  Well there's no loss there!  Damn!  Now I'm hungry and in the
mood for some more fun!  I've got to go out and find a victim to bring back
here and torture!  It's such a shame that we never use any of these toys
anymore!  And I'd like to get out of here before ol' Big Wheel finds out that
his little Pansy Ass Vinny is missing.  Not that I'm afraid of Spike right now
anyway.  I mean what can he possibly do?  Roll over my feet with that
wheelchair he's stuck in?!  Like that would really hurt!  I should go up and
tell Dru that I'm leaving, but then she'll want to 'have fun', and I'm not
really in the mood for sex right now.  Damn!  I must be hungry!  Now.  Let's
see.  Who will be my next victim?  I know.  I'll go out and find me a nice
fresh young virgin!  Virgins always have the sweetest tasting blood!  It's
like honey!  Then I'll find another virgin to bring back here to torture and
kill!  Now this is gonna be fun!>

Then Angelus ran out of the mansion and into the darkness of the night,
totally disregarding the fact that his arms, chest, pants, boots, and not to
mention his hair, were still covered with Xander's now-dried blood.

"HEY!  Is Anyone here?!"  Spike yelled, rolling into the room with a small box
placed in his lap.  "Angel?!  Dru?!  Vinny?!  BLOODY HELL!"

<Where the Bloody Hell is everyone?!  Wait.  Angel is probably up there
shaggin' Dru's brains out or out getting himself someone to eat.  But where
the Bloody Hell is Vinny?!  The bloody wanker probably knocked himself out
again.  Maybe Angel was right.  He told me I never should've turned Vinny.
Vinny was clumsy when he was human.  He was always tripping and falling on his
arse.  So what kind of fool could I 'ave been to think he would be any
different as a vampire?!  Bloody Hell!  It's so hard to find good help these
days!  And why the Bloody Hell did I just agree with Angel?!>

"And what the bloody Hell happened in here?!"  Spike asked the empty room,
staring at the crimson stained floor, and the large splinters of wood and
broken pieces of wood scattered everywhere.  "Oh well.  I'll just get Vinny to
clean this up...wherever the bloody Hell he is.  I really should find someone
to replace Vinny.  I hate to say this, but even the Slayer's annoying little
friend Xander would make a better minion than Vinny.  Maybe I'll go find the
little bloke and turn him."

But Spike had no idea that Xander was already dead, having been delivered in
boxes on Buffy's porch.  And Spike had no idea that Vinny was dead, having
been tossed by Angelus into a pot of acid.

"Hmmm....I wonder if Dru will like my present to her?"  Spike asked himself,
opening the little red box in his lap and staring at the beautiful diamond
necklace inside.  "I know it's a bit late and all, but I just 'ave to give
this to her now.  She probably won't fancy it though, depending on what Angel
already gave her.  And I can bloody well guess what Angel gave her.  Probably
a still beating heart he tore from some poor bloke's chest.  Oh well.  Happy
Valentine's Day anyway, My Black Goddess."  Spike said, rolling toward the

"Dru!"  Spike yelled up the stairs once, but there was no answer.  "Dru?!
Pet?!  Are you up there?!"  Spike yelled again, but there was still no answer,
only silence.

"My Angel?  Is that you?"  Dru called from upstairs.  "Come back to me My
Angel!  I'm waiting for you!  I want to play!  My Angel?!"

"Oh Bloody Hell!"  Spike growled, rolling away.  "All she ever thinks about
anymore is 'her' Angel!  I'm gonna stake the bloody wanker myself!  Vinny!
VINNY!  Where the bloody Hell are you?!  VINNY!"

But Vinny couldn't answer.  Vinny was dead.  Very very dead.  Better than
dead.  Vinny was little bits of flesh floating around in a pot of acid.  Vinny
was....Okay!  Okay!  I'm overdoing it now!  I'm sorry!  I just got carried
away there!  Vinny was dead!  Dru was still chained to the bed, Angelus was
out looking for a virgin to eat, and Spike was still calling for Vinny!  And
that's all I gotta say about that!


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